Is this what motherhood is like?

Getting pregnant was the easy part (and I thought it would be hard). Staying pregnant, and sane in the process, has been a bigger challenge. Every unrecognizable twinge and bodily fluid sends me into a tailspin leading me to wonder "is this normal?", "is this a sign of something awful?", "what did that doctor tell me to look out for and call about again?"

It seems that just as a week of victorious feelings goes by it has to be followed by an episode of panic. Last Tuesday I had a fantastic appointment at the perinatologist. My cervix was happy that day - the funnel was no longer visible (maybe even closed up and disappeared) and the cervix was longer than before the surgery - all good signs. Doc did warn me that my condition is dynamic and can change from day to day and my bedrest orders still stand so I shouldn't break out the figurative champagne but STILL it was a good appointment which is a big deal for me since the last few appointments were filled with doom, gloom, and LOTS of tears. The doc said I was contracting and need to count them and report it immediately if I had more than 4-6 per hour but I pointed out to him that I am not feeling it when it happens so it'll be darn near impossible to count them unless they suddenly became strong/noticeable. Even still it was a very positive appointment, one I had actually been dreading as I was fearful that my cervix was unhappy and would land me in the hospital as is often the case for women with my condition. I passed Go and didn't look back.

But here I am, a week later and had that dreadful experience of finding a spot of blood while in the bathroom. Just one small spot - bright red. Brown would have been preferable as brown = old. Red is worrisome and I remembered that the OB and Peri docs both said to report any spotting. Just remembering their words brought tears to my eyes as I sat there staring at this bright red spot. DAMN.

I called my OB's office and left a message with the service. Doc called back within 20 minutes. He asked me a bunch of questions - Are you cramping? No. Are you actively bleeding? No. Are you severely constipated? Not today ;). Have you been on my feet more than I should be? No. Do you feel contractions? No, but then again, the peri doc said I was contracting when I wasn't feeling it. Doc told me to hold my belly and feel for tightness throughout the day/night and see if I notice a difference - said tightness indicates contraction activity. ok will watch that. Doc proceeded to suggest I see him in the morning - 10am - so he can check my cerclage (stitches intended to keep my cervix closed) and make sure that the blood is not a sign of tearing or anything like that. He said that if any of the other symptoms occur tonight (cramping, bleeding, etc.) to call his office and inform the service I'm heading into the hospital and to then go straight to the Labor & Delivery wing and skip the ER - he said ER would make me wait sitting up (a no-no for me) for a long time and then send me up to L&D anyway and that to avoid that by calling his office so he can call the hospital's L&E dept to tell them to expect me. Ok cool. He said to stay off my feet and drink lots of water. Got it.

So, it's been about 5+ hours since that conversation. No new symptoms thank goodness. I'm calm and optimistic, cautiously of course. Can't wait to be on the examination table in the morning so I can hear doc say "looks good" and then I can breathe a sigh of relief, at least until the next thing to come along ;0.

I have a feeling this is what motherhood will feel like - living in constant fear that my baby will be hurt or in trouble and that there's not much I can do to prevent it. Yikes. This is so hard. Bedrest rips control out of your grasp and forces you to let go and trust. That's not easy for me but I'm learning.

Wednesday will mark 20 weeks - the half-way point for full-term. Eight more weeks before what many studies indicate as viability outside the womb although preemie baby boys tend to not fare as well as preemie baby girls. At 24 weeks I can start using a contraction monitor which will allow them to see if I should start any medications to stop/prevent pre-term labor. At that point they will also typically administer steroid shots to help speed up the baby's lung development -- this is generally done for people like me who are high risk for pre-term labor as a result of complications (in my case - incompetent cervix). I hear the shots are painful and that the anti-contraction meds are brutal with the side effects and yet somehow I look forward to being eligible for these interventions as I think they 1-signal that baby Olsen is a bit closer to viability, and 2-are a means of taking control and intervening on behalf of the baby in a way that I can't do right now.

I hope the next 4 weeks pass quickly so I can get to that 24 week mark and start these actions to help my baby. I hope the following 4 weeks come and go quickly too so we can reach "viability". Then every 2-4 week interval after that is another victory to be grateful for. Until then - every day and every week is an achievement.

3 weeks of bedrest done as of tomorrow, up to 18 weeks to go. ;0 Ok - thinking positive again now - I can do this and Baby Olsen can too :)